


Hidden in the Sand

by modifyandsever



Category: Lemonverse
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other, ballroom dance on a wave in the oceannnn, i am gay, really just posting this for organisational purposes rn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-04-24 18:57:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19179406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modifyandsever/pseuds/modifyandsever
Summary: One early-evening depression stroll on the beach is a lot more productive than Daniel thought it would be.





	1. Good Day

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i'm putting chapter names as tally hall songs you can't stop me

     A good layer of dry dust had settled over Daniel that day. He’d been laying in bed, doing nothing really. Had he felt like doing anything other than playing around on his phone, he would have, but it felt like he was bolted there by his own inertia. The thought had been tugging at him all day to get up and get some air while he had time, or he would just stagnate further, but he always had an excuse not to. _It was too hot outside, the sun was bright, he wasn’t properly dressed to be out in public, he was too tired from doing absolutely nothing all day._  However, there were no excuses he had prepared for one activity his better sense had come up with: he could easily take an early evening stroll on the beach. It was free, maybe 10 minutes away by car, and didn’t require any special preparation by way of looks. It wasn’t likely that anyone was going to be there, either. He kicked the covers off of him, after laying and staring at the bars of setting sun his blinds cast on him for a moment or two. He was losing daylight now, and it was better to get it on with so he could just come back and resume stagnation a little bit slower.

     With the walk to the car, he felt the breeze on his neck. Even though it wasn’t that cold, he had been used to the warm confines of his bed, and he shivered just a little. The drive over was short, and the radio was playing John Mayer. He didn’t care for it, but he hadn’t any reason to change it, so it played quietly over the drone of other car noises. After parking and finding a good spot to walk around idly, he did. Daniel paced in very small circles, leaving little evidence of him besides the vaguely-footprint-looking footprints in the sand. Finally, he found a nice rock (well, nice for a rock) to sit and stare into the horizon. He felt another layer of dust settling over him the longer he stared aimlessly at the same spot, the way one feels when they don’t move for an extended period of time. After the incident, staying in the old cabin, his body felt the way the house felt to him: dim, dusty, dry, creaking with every step. Like nobody had visited in ages, except for emergency stays. He fixated on the meaningless similarities between him and that old prison cell of a cabin for a good few minutes, instead of looking around at what he’d actually come all the way out here for, until something broke his trance. The slightest movement in his peripheral… of… a person? in the distance, sitting and staring at the ground. He turned his head and shook the feeling off in the process. Standing up and coming slightly closer, he could see that the person was looking into a tide pool. Coming in even closer, they had bright blue hair, nails, hoodie, and the wondrous fixation of a child looking into a kaleidoscope. Normally, Daniel’s mind would tell him to shrink away, far away, since that’s a person and they might notice how terribly disheveled he looked. But this person was _interesting_ , at least a little bit. They were bright and fixated, and they stood out starkly against the dulling colours of a fading sun on the rocks. He was moved to say the first words by the same nagging feeling that had brought him there in the first place.

     The words came out of his mouth with a croak at first -

     “H-” and he cleared his throat. He hadn’t talked nearly all day. His next attempt found some success.

     “Hello?” He waited a moment, and they didn’t look up. He leaned over and looked into the pool too.

     “What are you looking at, if I might ask?” They had seemed to notice his voice first, and then his face in the reflection of the pool, and him at last. His face had made their own absolutely light up before the first word could even exit their mouth. The concentration they had was now split in two, between the pool and him. They’d seemed like they had been waiting to tell him about this all day, even if the two hadn’t met even once before.

     “Oh- hello!! I’ve been watching the creatures in the tide pool! and taking notes on them, sometimes.” Daniel glanced to the pink notebook they had laying beside the pool.

     “You wouldn’t expect to find so much life in a little puddle but- but there’s so much of it! Like clams, sometimes, or urchins, snails, even fish, isn’t it fascinating!” And they continued on about smaller kinds of fish one can find in the tide pools, and how even if a pool seems stagnant, it’s really not, which led into talking about how a shark can never stay still because it needs water passing over its gills constantly, and… Daniel felt inclined to sit beside them on the soft sand, since he was going to be there a while. He loved to sit and listen to people talk about things they love, and this soft sand was certainly better than his lonely jagged rock. As he listened intently, or tried his best to, they’d started using terms he had never even heard before that day. They stopped and pointed something in the water out, and it was a relief for Daniel. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed listening, but he could understand what they were talking about again, which was ideal. They pointed out to him a little rock, with an even littler snail on it. Firstly he had noticed their carefully painted fingernails, painted a cheerful cobalt blue, and then what they were actually trying to show him. He leaned in and fixed his eyes on it. It moved slower than anything he had ever sat and watched, and it was so small, but… He smiled. For the first time in a long time, he smiled out of something other than polite habit. It crept onto his face, and he hadn’t even noticed until they were smiling back at him. He had very little to say in return. His voice was muted (much like the rest of his disposition) but he meant every word, and he hoped they could tell.

     “Wow… That’s really neat, actually... I’ve never seen a snail that tiny before.” They seemed pleased that he was interested, and went on talking again. He had never realised how interesting an impromptu lecture about marine life would be… And, given that he had no previous knowledge, that only made it more so. Though, this was the last thing he had expected to be doing at this time of night. He’d expected himself back home by now, in bed and doing nothing with himself again. Thank heavens he wasn’t, or so he thought to himself. They’d stopped talking for just a minute and were focused on the pool again. Daniel's attention drifted. He noticed a chill on the ocean breeze. It gave him goosebumps, chilled him to the core, and he wasn’t entirely sure why, since the wind had been blowing their way the entire time. After a while more, they had to part ways. He was getting hungry and cold (which he despised), and they had some other errands to run. They couldn’t just stay out there forever, after all. The walk back to the car was a bit chilly now that the sun had set, and he hadn’t brought a jacket. The radio played ads, mostly. He felt a pang of disappointment at a realisation. Over all of the quiet noise, he thought to himself, _I didn’t catch their name_.


	2. The Whole World and You

    That night, he found himself in the same position he’d been in just a few hours ago, only a little bit different. There were no more bars of sunlight laying across his figure in the comforter, only the dim warm-yellow streetlight and red glow of his alarm clock. He didn't feel dusty anymore, like the wind had blown it off of him or something like that. He stared up at the popcorn ceiling and thought idly about the situation. It was certainly nice to get out of the house, and he was surprised he’d felt even a little bit better. It was pleasant, too, to have a random stranger be so friendly to him, and a new smiling face was always welcome in his mind. But it was still surprising that they were so open to him, given that he’d just approached them out of nowhere, and he looked like _he himself_ had just crawled out of the sea. Before he fell asleep he’d settled on the idea of going on another small walk sometime. It felt nice to actually want to go somewhere for once. He fell asleep and dreamed of nothing, really, or nothing he could remember. There were no nightmares, even, which was comforting in a way. Nothing was a lot better than a bad something.

    A day or two after that, he’d started to made the same short, quiet journey to the beach again after work every day. His eyes wandered along the shoreline, making out no human form anywhere near him, and then falling to the sand at his feet in minor disappointment. Every trip to the beach for a few days ended in him sitting on the same lonely rock, taking in the faint smell of the ocean, and even getting rained on once or twice. All while sitting and thinking, and staring at the tide pools nearby, seeing occasional sea life in them. He wasn’t sure what he was really coming back again for. _Maybe it’s the fresh air,_ he thought.

    Jacques sat at the edge of the pier, awaiting a nightly research trip’s boat to pick them up. This time, they were going out late enough to catch the window of highest shark activity... not very exciting to others, but the idea was thrilling to them. Their feet dangled above the water, and they stared into it, running through this night’s agenda for the trip, and other thoughts yet to be organised. It was awfully surprising that the random man had come up to them, just to listen to them talk. How rare was that? He hadn’t even ended the conversation voluntarily because he had gotten bored or irritated, it ended naturally with other obligations getting in the way. That never happened. They had thought about it for a while after the two had gone their separate ways. They’d even wondered if he came back on the evenings they hadn’t been there, though they quickly dismissed that as a silly concept. It was all in the back of their mind right now, though. This time it was their concentration that was broken by him in the background, calling a simple “ _hey!_ ” in their direction. His footsteps picked up into a short jog. They figured it probably wasn’t this way, but it felt just a little bit like he had come back just to see them again. At any rate, the fact that he spent the time and energy to even come up and talk to them instead of avoiding them was more than enough to bring a smile to their face. He took a seat next to them on the pier, propping himself up and turning to meet their eye.

    “I can’t imagine why you’re out here this late… Hi again, anyways,” The first part was more mumbled to himself as he sat down next to them, but they were more than happy to answer the question. They told him all about the boat they were waiting for, and why they were actually _happy_ to be out this late because that means they’ll be out in optimal shark activity time, and that’s always great because sharks are great, and then they stopped themselves before they got too far in again.

    “But why are you out here it’s very late!! Whatever your name is. Oh, I never even got your name, I was so busy explaining!” They laughed to themselves, and the man even smiled a little.

     “Oh, uh, it’s Daniel. Yours? I don't think I caught it last time.”

     “Jacques!! Sounds kinda like Jaws, you know like the movie, which was the point of it (well, kind of). It is my _favourite movie of all time_ , even if I’ve ever actually seen it before because! Well! I don’t think I could handle the moral obligations of _actually_ sitting and watching a movie that had such a negative impact on the shark population, and their reputations as animals too! Really a shame. Still a fascinating movie though, just because of that!!” Daniel tilted his head a minute. Jacques had feared they’d said too much, like they tend to do with others, or said something wrong. He nodded in some kind of understanding, then, and they relaxed. He didn’t even look that confused. He looked to them again, expecting them to say more, and they happily obliged. The two spent a good while talking about what the nightly research trips were for. Jacques was thrilled to be able to tell someone how excited they were about this new internship, and how their opportunities might grow exponentially further down the road into the internship. Not once did they feel obligated to stop talking because he was tired of it, or because he had any conflicting opinions. He was, seemingly, a man of very few words.They saw no problems in this fact. On the other end of the conversation, Daniel was fascinated. He himself had never thought much about the ocean, but seeing someone so eager to be out in it made him think a little, though they could never tell what he was thinking by just looking at him. It was always the same unwavering face of an invested listener.  The boat broke the horizon and they stopped in the middle of a sentence to point it out.

     “... and even if you cut out parts of their brain, they can keep swimming! Isn’t that str- Oh, look!! There’s my boat, the one I was telling you about!! I have to leave soon, I think.” Daniel nodded in acknowledgement of it, his eyes fixated on the approaching dark figure. The fact was really strange to him, but he thought it was kind of amusing to think about. 

     “You know, I really like hanging out with you! You should come here again soon, Daniel.”  They stood up, careful not to fall into the water (though they’ve definitely fallen into the sea before), and offered him a hand to stand up too. His expression faltered just a little, but with what interrupting it, they weren’t sure. In that same moment, Daniel had felt a little tug at his heartstrings that made the corners of his mouth twitch. He never had to sit on the cold lonely rock at all that night, and his presence was actually wanted by someone (even if his presence was about as prominent to others as a small misprint in beige patterned wallpaper). Within a few minutes, they were waving a quick and excited farewell as they got on the boat, and Daniel was on his way back to the car on his own again. Both of them noticed the cold night air again without distraction, though one disliked it a lot more strongly than the other. 


	3. Out in the Twilight

     Every night from then on, with some exceptions, they both came to the beach. Daniel looked forward to it, and sometimes mulled over what he’d learned from them earlier when he was bored at work the next day. Some nights Jacques would be waiting for another nightly trip, sometimes they would just be poking around in some part of the waters. Whatever they were doing, they always told Daniel all about it, and Daniel was eager to sit and listen for as long as they wanted to talk. Sometimes, he would even ask further questions on a topic they hadn’t talked much about. To their surprise, it genuinely seemed like he just wanted to know. And in turn, Daniel had a nice little stockpile of shark trivia, though he couldn’t understand the more complex parts very well. Like how _“Sharks have a fin shape exclusive to them!”_ What was it called…? He’d have to ask later. _“...To maintain balance in the water column. And so they won’t have to exert nearly as much energy keeping themselves moving all the time!”_ Daniel was kind of surprised he remembered that much specific stuff in one go. He spent gradually less time in his apartment, stagnating, and Jacques spent less time sitting alone in their own head. One night, after they had gotten thoroughly rained on and had to part early because Daniel’s clothes were soaked, they exchanged numbers. Even if they would never really text that often, Daniel found it comforting to even have their number.

    Daniel, meanwhile, had been noticing things. He only noticed smaller things, like how their nails were always carefully painted some bright new colour after the old paint had worn off. It was odd, he thought, how they were the brightest constant in his life. Compared to the dull warm tones of the library and the desaturated hues of his apartment, wardrobe, even the beach, they were so much more. They had a prosthetic leg, and he had to wonder how that happened. He felt funny about that, and hoped that whatever it was didn’t hurt too much.Later on he caught himself doing what he liked to call “ _the thing_ ”, which was a nasty little habit of developing immature crushes on random people in his life. He hadn’t figured it to be of much harm until one night a couple weeks later, where they were sat together a little closer than normal at the pier. He was responding to some detail of their personal life they had discussed, and he let it slip somewhat accidentally.

    “... yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun… You know, I think I love you.” Immediately he felt the prickle of adrenaline through him. Why’d he have to say it like that? Why then? God, he could at least have waited a week or two more. What a dumb, cliche thing to do. Their response came with a slight delay and a _big_ smile.

    “Oh man, I love you too! We’re gonna be great friends, I think… We could even get those little matching bracelets! How cool would that be!!” And he thanked whatever God there was in that moment that it had gone over their head. It was for the best, he thought. He developed crushes like it was nothing, and usually they would be gone within two weeks of starting. He couldn’t bear to ruin what they had with something so immature. In the background, barely registering, they were talking about all the things they could do together.

    Though Daniel always thought Jacques was too busy, and he was too dull in literally every aspect of his being, for them to notice much about him, they did. They saw the same kind of subtle things, like how he always looked so tired all the time. He had never worn anything less plain than a full solid-colour sweater. He looked at their nails a lot, and their hair, too. Not in any special way, it was more like he had chosen those as idle points to focus on while he processed information. They didn’t mind it at all. It was different than other prying looks, or looks of avoidance, in that it wasn’t much coming from him. Nothing was definitely better than a bad something.

    One night they were pleasantly surprised when he asked to talk about problems he had, just for a bit. His face looked… different. His words came as quiet as they ever do.

    “So, don’t ask how this happened, or you can I don’t care much, but… One time a few months ago, I got stuck alone in this… cabin… for like, months on end. Alone. I don’t know, I just haven’t felt the same since. You remind me of how I used to be, and I really appreciate that. It’s just really hard… Everyone assumed I was dead, and my roommates moved out, and it seems like nobody even wants me around anymore because it’s too painful for them to see how much of a downer I am. It feels like I kind of did die out there.” His eyes were fixed at his feet as he talked.

    “But I… really appreciate this, what we have going. I feel like a living person again, for once.” His expression eased from rigid stoicism to something a little softer. After a moment, he had decided that was all he needed to say, and he looked up for a response. Jacques processed for a minute, their smile temporarily absent.

    “I am so sorry, that sounds… absolutely awful… But I kind of know the feeling. I don’t have many people to talk to since nobody wants me around when I talk about things they’re not interested in! And it’s been that way for… as long as I can even remember! But that’s alright, because at least we have each other!! And I think we work pretty well together, like best friends!” Their smiling face tugged a bit more on Daniel’s heartstrings, and he was beginning to get pretty used to the feeling. They were absolutely right, in ways they couldn’t understand. It was like, to him, they were always a pop of colour in his dull world. He was allowed this one little break in the overcast clouds, every day after work, and it gave him more hope than anything. And on the other end, it meant a lot to them that he just kept coming back, night after night. He cared enough about them to drive all the way over to the beach for no other reason just to hear them talk about whatever. And they cared enough to let him listen.

     “You can keep talking again, also… What was the name of that fin shape thing you were talking about last night?”

     “Ohhh, _heterocercal!_ Kind of a mouthful I know! But it does have a coherent meaning to it when you begin to break the word apart...” And that got them going again. He couldn’t help but allow a little smile to show. Their steadfast enthusiasm only made him want to reach out and pull them closer. What was he thinking? That night in bed he had a lot of reconsidering-about-his-feelings to do.


	4. Taken for a Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just-for-fun chapter... long chapter... so many headcanons used here....... and some cameos too wrow

     After that night they’d made arrangements via text for a fun little day to themselves, when both Daniel and Jacques were free. What’s better for the human psyche than a day of relaxed fun, after all? First on the agenda was to grab something to eat. There was a fairly nice little diner in the heart of the city that Daniel had planned to take them to. The booth seats were a little old and stiff but it didn’t bother either of them. He was grateful that they had planned this early, so Jacques wouldn’t have to experience the sensory overload of lunch rush in the city. As it was, there were only a few other people in the diner at the moment (including one somewhat-sketchy-looking guy in a yellow tie and… a _t-shirt_ , lord... and his anxious-looking friend in a NASA shirt). Jacques had just asked for a lemonade, and Daniel had requested “a completely-black normal coffee”, as he put it. Jacques had piped up on their own for once.

    “I’ve never had black coffee! is it good?? Doesn’t seem like it would be, but I’m not a coffee person…” Daniel shrugged.

    “Yeah, it’s a little bitter, but it gets the job done fine. Never used to like it, though.”  Jacques still didn’t quite get why he liked something that bitter, but as long as Daniel was happy with it, they were. The waitress set their drinks down and took orders. Jacques made sure to thank her when they were done. Daniel smiled on the inside. It was quiet in the diner for a moment as conversations came to a natural lull.

    “Oh, d’you know what used to be my favourite game to play at lunch?” Daniel asked, pulling the napkin from under his drink and a cheap black pen from his pocket. Jacques tilted their head, asking what, of course. They expected hangman, perhaps, or tic-tac-toe. Their guesses weren’t terribly off.

    “Me and my friends used to play this game where someone draws something and everyone else keeps adding on. Like- here, I'll show you-” And he drew an incredibly simplistic fish, after some consideration. It made Jacques giggle quietly. The fish had a little “:)” face and everything. Daniel looked up and handed them the pen, even looking somewhat proud of himself and his silly fish.

    “Your turn! you gotta add something.” Jacques took the pen and the napkin and thought for a moment. They then drew another, much more nicely drawn head onto the fish.

    “Uhhh! Here!! I think I saw something like this in an article once.” It made Daniel smirk, the absurdity level being on par with his original fish’s smiley face. _Jacques was strikingly better at this than he was_ , he thought. They continued with this until the fish was an eel looking thing with two heads, four more smiley faces, and one singular human hand (courtesy of Daniel, of course). They had to stop when their food came and they had to eat, thus bringing their game to a close. As they ate, and as Daniel wasn't really paying atention, Jacques had noted that he looked much more upbeat on this particular day. He was even talking, joking around, and things of that nature. Maybe the previous night had served as a weight off of his shoulders, considering he'd looked awfully solemn in telling them all of that. After they were finished, Daniel had folded the napkin carefully and pocketed it along with the pen. Their next idea was to pay a visit to the aquarium.

    Though Daniel had never been, Jacques frequented Lemonville’s aquarium. They liked sitting for hours, just watching the marine life. They told him how they could sit entranced by shimmering scales and erratically swirling colours on the sides of fish, or watch eels peeking out from rock corners, or even look at how the anemone pulse in the water like a field in light winds. It was all like heaven to them, and Jacques was a bit like heaven to him. They were especially eager to show him the most fun part: He’d get to pet a ray for the first time. Daniel felt an anxiety of the intense kind upon approaching the open-top tank. There was a kid there with their mother, petting one. _See, even safe for kids… but oh god what if I hurt it what if it hurts ME oh god._ Something about the concept of petting something that was also living and in an aquarium didn’t sit right with him, just enough to freak him out a little. Jacques saw his disposition shrink and tense, and started talking quietly to him to show him that it was really alright.

    “These little guys are so cool… they feel kind of like smooth algar, and they're so used to people, it’s hard to harm them, unless you’re really reckless!! But you’re not a reckless one, Danny, so I'm not worried.” They looked into the tank, pushed up a sleeve, and dipped a hand into the water. the backs of their fingers met the rough skin gently. They looked up at Daniel for a minute.

    “See? All good!! They’re closely related to sharks, too, did you know? Rays and sharks are both chondrichthyes! That’s why I like petting them so much! Or, that’s part of it anyways, I just think they’re just really nice.” The last bit with even one long word went over Daniel’s head somewhat in his anxious state, but their comfortable presence persuaded him just enough to try. _Just_ enough. He hesitantly brought his hand into the water, eyes glued to the animal below it. Jacques watched, just a little bit proud that they were able to even get him this far. Daniel _so_ slowly lowered his hand, and his bare fingertips felt the soft, somewhat slimy skin too, after a moment. The ray didn’t seem to even notice him, and thank god for that, he thought. He carefully petted it, and in that moment, he felt both relieved and a little proud of himself too. They stayed and petted the rays for another 10 minutes or so, with Jacques telling him all sorts of fun facts about them all the while. After the ray tank, they walked through a hallway in which the walls were entirely made of fish tank, and a huge tank at that. It felt like they were immersed with all the sea creatures, and Daniel was both amazed at that and the potential structural integrity of such a room’s walls. Jacques was mesmerised in the rippling blue light and various colours coming from the tank, as they always were.

    Daniel’s choice of activity wasn’t terribly interesting, but it was still something, at least. He had brought jacques to the university library he worked at. It was more than a little bit obvious that he didn’t know many exciting places in town. They did have an extensive nonfiction section with plenty about marine life which had always piqued their interest. But, they never had the time to sit and read like they used to anymore, between classes and the internship and, well, Daniel. He explained the jist of his job to them, which was pretty much just to organise and answer the occasional question...

    “...Oh, and having to wait hand and foot on that guy over there.” He gestured to a table in the back, in which a gathering of English majors had accumulated, with one particularly pretentious-looking man reading out loud from a book. From the look of it, he had a good stack of them started already, and Daniel was just glad he wasn’t working today. He realised somewhere in the back of his mind that he’d rather be doing this than anything else. Jacques briefly felt bad for Daniel for having to wait on the guy like that, even if they didn’t fully understand just _how_ loathsome Voltaire really was. Nobody could understand that like Daniel. Daniel told them that they could stay here as long as they wanted, if they’d like to read a while, or grab something from a nearby cafe in-campus. After a few minutes of deliberation and a trip to the aforementioned cafe, they figured they could come here any other time. They really just wanted to enjoy having someone to hang out with just this once.

    The two ended the day sitting by a local creek that Jacques liked to hang out at. Daniel had figured their interest was limited only to ocean-related things, but hadn’t thought to consider freshwater things in their span of knowledge. Indeed, their knowledge was limited in the area, but that never stopped Jacques from finding some peace near the quiet babbling of the stream. The sun cast little dots of last daylight onto them and the ground as it set. Daniel couldn’t help but think that it only highlighted what an interesting shade of blue that their hair’s tips were dyed. All of today had been quite colourful, even with the library he had seen every day of his life for the past few months, just because they were with him. It was kind of like a date, but a friend-date. Daniel was surprised with himself in how content he was with the idea. Jacques, in the same span of time, was thinking about how nice it was to be able to share with someone the amazing things they had only ever appreciated for themselves. Even if Daniel was new to all of this, he seemed just as absorbed as Jacques ever did, which was a first for them. Parting ways with _“Bye!!!_ ”s and _“Text me later_ ”s, a day came and went just like that.


	5. Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just-for-fun chapter...? it's short but there's significance i swear

    Just a moment ago he was awake in bed, with his eyelids weighing heavy. Now he's standing alone on a rickety old boardwalk, somewhere in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. The sky is a colour he can't place... Is it grey? It's probably grey, actually, but who can ever tell these things apart in a dream. Faded white-beige ice floats atop the waters, stained with wood chips and just a little bit of dirt on the undersides. Everything is desaturated, soaked in light neutral tones, with the exception of the piercing full jet black-turquoise of the deep ocean. Chunks of thick sea ice thunk against the old wood he stands on, and he has to wonder why anyone would make a boardwalk all the way out here. It goes on for miles in all directions. The wood is a light grey-brown, bleached from the arctic sun and splintered by the edges from the ice bumping against it. In the waters, there are tiger sharks. So many of them writhe under the surface like a pot of boiling water ( _Jacques had told him offhand, sometime around the end of the previous day, about how tiger sharks cannibalise their weaker siblings, and this was a part that had made its way into his dreams somehow_ ). He doesn't notice them until he looks down between the boards. By the patterns of their skin, he figures out that they are, indeed, tiger sharks. _Why are there tiger sharks in the Arctic?_ He feels nothing at first but a realisation of intense fear. Dream logic begins to work its ways, and he stares downwards into the dark waters. It hurts his eyes a little, but he wants to see how many there are, just in case... After all, what if _he_ was really another shark and he didn't even know? What if he was just a really tall shark, and they were going to cannibalise him because _he was weak_? The thought that “this concept is ridiculous” doesn't once cross his mind. The echoing groaning of the wood under the ice's scrutiny certainly doesn't help the situation any. He hears a crack like thunder beneath him. The force of a particularly large ice chunk, combined with the sharks hitting the boards, are splitting the boardwalk into tiny pieces just feet from him. He realises he has to move or he'll get eaten by the sharks regardless of if he falls in or not, as the sharks have learned to jump for some reason. The wood creaks as the ice scrapes against it. He runs barefoot. The sky grows bright fluorescent white.

    Waking up with a flash and a jump, he felt the residual fear of a fresh nightmare. The longer he stayed awake after that, though, the sillier it seemed to him. He felt inclined to text Jacques the details at… He squinted at the red blur of the clock... 3:21 AM. Well, it sounded like a great idea at the time, anyways. Where did a dream like that even come from? It was probably just a silly little nightmare, with no legitimate tie to his waking life. He had a lot of those after the incident. they woke up to a wall of text (full of drowsy typos) from a bewildered Daniel. All they thought at the time was that 1. It was incredibly funny, with which Daniel agreed, and 2. They were more than a little pleased that shark trivia had started making its way into his dreams, even with wild geographical and physical inaccuracies. Daniel would have no trouble falling asleep again after that. Meanwhile, Daniel couldn't stop himself from wondering about the significance of it, just a bit.


	6. The Trap

    Beach visits had become a regular part of their lives in the past weeks. Tonight was seemingly no different, same sand and seawater and talking and listening. Jacques had taken a little bit of pride in getting Daniel out of his shell, and Daniel found some peace in the night air and the sound of their voice over the crashing of the waves. This time, however, Daniel came prepared with a plan, or an idea, anyways. He’d had no idea how they were going to react.

    He kicked his legs idly as they dangled over the water. The two occupied their usual spot on the pier, doing their usual things for most of the night. A lull in the conversation came, and Daniel’s hands were clammy with anxiety. Jacques had their head turned to the horizon to watch for the boat, and he had his head turned towards them, just gazing. Daniel had thought about this moment last night in bed, where he thought about everything else he deemed important enough. What would it be like, how would he feel afterwards? How would they react? He couldn’t bear to look and turned his head upwards ever so slightly, just long enough to build his courage. 

    The mundane but important topic of “ _ How to organise notes more efficiently in order to both recall and take them more efficiently on important trips _ ” was really all that was in the foreground of Jacques’s thoughts. Maybe they should use a college-ruled notebook, for a higher note-to-page ratio, or wide ruled, for easier searching of pages, or… Oh, their hand felt a little colder, now. There was no breeze out, though. Allowing another second for things to register revealed Daniel’s slightly bigger, very cold hand, just resting on top of theirs passively. He was staring away from them and everything else, out into the distance, like he’d just witnessed a shipwreck. They flipped their hand such that they were actually holding hands now. It inspired a warm feeling in them, and the feeling manifested in a quiet laugh. He turned his head, a little bit worried-looking.

    “Uh… Is this alright, with you?”

    “Of course it is!! Why wouldn’t it be? Aw, Danny, you’re such a sweet friend!” It was audible in their voice how they smiled so genuinely. Daniel felt relief from stress so drastic that his blood pressure might have physically dropped in the following moments. Their hand warmed his easily, and their skin was just a little bit dry from constant involvement with water. Like the accidental and foolish “I love you” from earlier, this small action on a whim inspired a little tangent from Jacques on how they were like two peas in a pod, and Daniel happily listened. He hadn’t felt the same contentment, however. 

    Another late and pretty normal night (with the new addition of hand-holding!!), Daniel had found himself more than very surprised with the state of things on the beach. He’d decided for once to wear a short-sleeve shirt, and Jacques had noticed he was shivering. He hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge it yet when they decided to.

    “... and sometimes, they have molecular biologists use this special equipment for DNA sequencing and extraction! like a centrifuge, or- Oh, you seem kinda cold, hold on-” And they scooted a little closer, with their right side making full contact with his left. 

    “Gotta stay huddled out here at night, what with the temperature drop around the shoreline and all that.” And that was the last they’d even mentioned it, carrying on with the previous topic. Casual physical contact was so terribly foreign to Daniel, especially directed towards him. He allowed a visible look of surprise occupy his face for just a few seconds before he accepted their somewhat-invitation and scooted closer. Their hand was always nice and warm, and apparently the rest of them was, too. He’d guessed they kind of had to be so warm-blooded to be out at sea like that all the time. No matter, he’d appreciated it, because it really was freezing out. It also, however, left a funny little feeling in his chest, like their response to him the other night. He didn’t even want to address it.

    That night, sitting in bed unable to sleep as usual, the funny feeling remained. He’d piled himself in blankets, but he was still cold, just as cold as he’d felt when they stood up and separated to leave that evening. He _ already _ hated feeling cold, and especially this new kind, because it was the kind that wouldn’t leave him alone. Daniel didn’t even want to sleep at this point. He fell back with some force into his pillow and stewed. This feeling had to be addressed here and now, so he could sleep. He was tired of the petty little crushes he’d developed so easily. the nature of them was always so intrusive… Always picking the very wrong people for him to have to avoid out of embarrassment. Almost certainly, it was out of loneliness, or a misunderstanding of the basics of romance. But why was this one so different? If it was anyone else, he would have been thrilled to have made such major headway as hand-holding. He wouldn’t feel this… wanting. He wouldn’t bother thinking about what a future with the person would be, only how pretty they were, or how charming. of course, Jacques was both of those things in their own little ways, but that wasn’t it. if that was it he couldn’t even force himself to go back night after night. Despite all of the wanting he tried to stomp down early on, before it could do much harm, despite how much he would have liked to wrap his arms around them and never let them go, he kept going back. But not much longer could this persist. No, soon he didn’t think he could make himself. Not because of embarrassment or intimidation, but because he wanted too much. The little nagging voice had presented him with an ultimatum: Stop going, stop talking to them, isolate as much as possible and ruin their relationship before his dumb little crush could… Or tell them upfront and directly, and risk scaring them away, because any natural hints he could let slip would only go over their head and drive him a little more mad. Either way ended in potentially parting from them. The thought made him sick.

    Statistically, the only way Daniel could keep their relationship intact was with the latter option. He absolutely dreaded saying how he felt out loud to people. It wasn’t like people had reason to care for his opinions if he was already such a downer just by his mere presence. It felt utterly selfish. and, unfortunately for him, this was a particularly selfish situation. He wanted very, very badly to run from this problem, and to isolate like he had with so many other people, but… He couldn’t stand to lose the newfound quality they gave to his life, and he especially couldn’t stand to see their closest friend leave them for his own cowardice. He had an answer he didn’t like, but it was an answer.


	7. Spring and a Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter heavily unrevised and written at ~ 2 AM

    The ease previously felt by the sight of a bright blue hoodie and the pier was no more for Daniel, at least temporarily. He’d tried to prepare himself for any kind of ending to tonight… heartbreak or not. He greeted them with a customary “Hi again”, but his throat was tight. As he took his seat and took their hand in his absentmindedly, he noticed a backpack and other things sitting beside Jacques. He made a mental note to ask them about it later, as whatever it was looked new and exciting. He took their hand as he settled in. Little had he known, Jacques was more than thrilled to tell him all about the backpack.

    Daniel was only holding his tongue for as long as it took to find the right moment to tell them. He initiated a little bit of small talk.

    “So, ah, what’s with all the gear? Going somewhere interesting tonight?” Jacques squinted at him in confusion for a second.

    “Oh, Danny, didn’t I tell you already? I’m surprised I haven’t yet but really I only just found out so… They want me out there for a whole _month!!_ For my internship, as kind of like a trial run!! I’m gonna have to go a little bit early, but how exciting is _that!!”_ The utter joy was seeping through their voice. Daniel’s blood ran freezing. His default lazy smile slowly blew away with the wind.

    “I’m… so happy for you, Jacques! Are you… leaving tonight, then?” Daniel tried to hold up his tone. It was a shaky attempt, but it worked well enough.

    “Yes, and fairly soon, actually!! We have to head out early, relatively, so that we can have more time to get allll the way out there…” And they ecstatically explained every detail of what they were to be doing on the trip for at least a few days. It was heavily packed with vocabulary he’d never heard before, so it was nearly unparsable to him. That part didn’t matter much to him, though, because all he could think of was a whole month without them. It felt like his mouth had been frozen shut. To Jacques, he looked quite vacant.

    “You look as surprised as I was when I heard they wanted me!!” They chuckled a little bit. Daniel nodded along, in some sort of agreement. They had a few minutes to talk, and in that time, he’d laced their fingers together without thinking, in a desperate attempt to keep them there just a few seconds more. The funny feeling wasn’t funny anymore, it was acidic, and yet… Jacques spotted the boat, and a very different kind of emotion burned inside them. With this trip they were one step closer to their dream, their one passion in life, and for such a long period of time, too!! They got up to stand and prepare to leave and, to their surprise, Daniel refused to let go of their hand. Instead he just stood up with them. The boat wasn’t quite there yet so they had time to stand there and prepare, and the whole time he wouldn’t let go. It had finally approached fully. They had to break the grip he had on them, but it was the last thing on their mind at the moment.

    The act of pulling-away felt like tearing a band-aid off, to him. It was so hard and so painful, but it was only a matter of time until it had to happen. As they waved goodbye joyously, he caught them on the sleeve and opened his mouth to say something. _anything_.

    “Hey… Have a good time, okay?” It was the best he had. In those moments, Daniel felt a little bit like a shark swimming around without a head.

    The walk back to the car was cold as ever. His hand was frigid with their absence, and it made him grit his teeth. The doorknob of his apartment was ice-cold. The air in his room was cool, dry, and unwelcoming. There was no light in the room but pale moonlight shining in from one window in dim bars. It felt like stepping right into the cabin he’d just been freed from. The feeling in his chest made him feel like a new kind of dusty. As he was walking across the room to crawl into bed, the floor groaned and creaked with every step.

    Two days after they’d gone, and he’d gone back to doing the same old thing he always did after work… laying in bed, playing with his phone, with the fun little bonus of active emotional turmoil. He felt genuine happiness in that they had an opportunity this big, but he also felt like he was dropped right into an emotional winter he just had to wait out in his cold little lonely cabin. It unsettled him, how he was this worked up over something so short as a month of their leaving. It didn’t strike him why he was so unsettled until one day at work, sitting at a table for a minute, doing nothing really. This gave him alone time, which meant that eventually, he had to confront his feelings. Daniel wasn’t the kind of person to accept an answer like that, and his immediate response was “ _like hell I’m doing that_ ”.

    And so, for the next two weeks, he’d tried to both regain some of the feelings he’d felt while hanging out with them, and to distract himself as much as possible. He’d tried to read up on information about sharks in his free time at the library, thinking it might remind him of them. It did, but it didn’t feel nearly as nice with words on a page as it did coming from them gushing about it. He’d attempted a few trips to the beach, but all he ended up doing was sitting on his lonely rock. It was cold outside those nights. All the colours of the sand, rocks, and the ocean faded into each other. He looked to the tide pools and found no snails. Even a trip to the aquarium was a little bit duller. The water in the ray tank only felt uncomfortable, and the giant tank room felt very quiet and empty.

    After Daniel had exhausted every other resource of distraction, he gave in. One night he decided he wouldn’t sleep until he figured out what it was about this particular petty crush that was so impactful, and not even of his own accord. He hadn’t been intimidated in the slightest by Jacques before this. Their presence was actually quite comforting to him, even when he was at his most dysfunctional. The only reason he was scared of them now was because of _his_ own emotions. Why didn’t he want to run far away from them, like he did with every other person he’d developed infatuation for? Why did he think so much about what they could be together instead of the usual obsessing over how much they already were? Why was it so maddening instead of relieving lately when his poorly-planned advances went over their head?

    A realisation hit Daniel at 11:04 PM, like a wave breaking against his chest. This whole time, he’d only thought of it like he was crushing on them, which felt so cheap and wrong. Never once had he thought of them as if he _loved_ them. Had he ever even been in genuine love before? He didn’t know what it felt like. He’d never even been in a serious relationship before. It felt a little bit shallow to proclaim this as love so early, but… how early was it, really? They’d been friends for months now. Every scenario of telling them he had a crush on them made him wince, but telling them that he _loved them_ ? With everything he had? It was different. It was a daunting concept, love, and he told himself to think on it a week, and if he felt the same, he’d settle on that as an explanation and plan accordingly. A lonely and dull week came and went, but one full of sobering contemplation. Maybe it _was_ his first experience with actual, real, genuine love. In the meantime, Jacques was having the time of his life, but they did miss Daniel at least a bit.

    Daniel got a call very early in the morning on the last day in July. He’d just been settling back into his old prone-to-stagnation routine. He was drowsy as ever for a 7 AM phone call on his off day. He’d registered that it was the voice of Jacques and he woke up immediately. They’d told him they needed a few days to readjust, but sometime this week they should hang out!! It made him jump awake for the rest of the day. He knew that this was his chance, and he couldn’t keep his mind off the meeting for even a moment in the coming days. The day of, Daniel was ready to go before noon had even hit.


	8. Hidden in the Sand

   Daniel had come to this beach meeting much more refreshed and prepared than the last. He thought he finally knew what he was doing this time, though there was still no telling how it would go. The fear of it going badly still lingered in his mind, but he felt that this was entirely necessary nonetheless. And, if it went poorly, then at least he would be a little bit more stable to handle it than if he’d spoken last time. He’d left his apartment around early evening, when the sun hadn’t nearly set yet. Humid afternoon heat lingered in the air, with no breeze yet to bring in the cool of night. The first footsteps on the sand again were quick and eager, and he wasted little time in getting there. Seeing Jacques all the way over on the end of the pier brought a smile to his face he couldn’t contain. As he got closer, he could see that they were doing the same, and they met in the middle.

    “So… Did you have fun all the way out there? Tell me all about it, I want to hear everything.” Daniel’s tone was relaxed. Jacques lit up and immediately broke into excited rambling, and he took a seat to lend an ear. He still didn’t quite get all of what they were being sent out for, but he felt joy in knowing they had such a good time. He grabbed their hand as they were talking, noting that their nails had been painted a now-chipped electric yellow colour. And, even in the stuffy early evening heat, they still had their signature Jaws hoodie on. He’d have to watch it again sometime, or… just enjoy the thought of it, anyways. The sun had slowly started to dip below the horizon, and they finished up their explanation with a promise to go even more in-depth later. Daniel replied with an “I’d love that”. He was being awfully quiet today. 

     As Jacques stood up to prepare to leave, Daniel had done the same curious thing he did before. He’d refused to let go of their hand, only to stand up with them. This time, however, they had an idle moment of standing together, face to face on the pier, hand in hand. Daniel took a deep breath, and they wondered what he had to say that required such a breath.

     “So, I… When you left, I had a lot of time to myself to think. And all of the time we’ve spent together has been, probably- no, definitely- one of the best times of my life. Even if you don’t realise it yet, you’ve pulled me out of the darkest place just by being who you are and letting me share in that. I can’t quite put into words just how much you’ve brightened my whole world, how every night I sit and think of you… I don’t really know how else to say this, but I think… I know that I’m in love with you, romantically, and…” Daniel trailed off a minute, getting caught up in his own overwhelming emotion. Months of wanting, denying, had come out in less than a minute or so. It felt like a significant weight taken from his shoulders, and now that weight had been held out in front of him as an offering.

    He watched, and his heart stopped, as they dropped his hands and they fell limp beside him. The beginning sunset cast orange-red light onto their face, which had also fell into an expression of quiet shock. For once, they were at a total loss for words, and all Daniel could do was look. 

    “I think I need some time to think.” The words were resolved and quiet, and the only thing Jacques said to him before they turned to leave. The sun cast more and more red, then dull white, then nothing, as they drifted away into the horizon. Daniel just stared and watched, feeling utterly deflated. The chill of the sea breeze started to creep in.

  


    He spent all night sitting on his lonely rock with his head in his hands. It felt like his worst fear had been tossed at his feet, like a dead fish for him to clean up. Different sensations hit him in waves. The regret filled his head with “ _ that was the most irrational thing you could have possibly done” _ , dread filled his stomach with a sickly-cold weight, self loathing filled his heart with “ _ why would they even consider it anyways, you should have known better” _ . He had to keep telling himself that it wasn’t a downright rejection, if only to keep his eyes from filling with more saltwater than the ocean could handle. He managed that much, knowing he may be getting a bit ahead of himself. At some point he fell asleep sitting there like that, just out of mental exhaustion. 

    Time passed him by in his heavy state, and soon enough it was sunrise without him having even realised. He awoke to the first glimpse of the rising sun, painting his surroundings gold and bathing them and him in warmth. He also awoke to a tiny nudge on the shoulder, from a familiar hand with familiar electric yellow nails. It took his eyes a moment to adjust, and he looked to see Jacques, with an entirely unreadable expression. They said little.

    “ _Daniel_ … Come here, follow me.” 

    Daniel only nodded, shaking himself awake a bit as he did. He stumbled behind them as they lead him down the pier, and helped him into the boat. The two found themselves in a similar situation as before, facing each other in silence, but with a markedly different air to it. Jacques wouldn’t look him in the eye. Anxiety jabbed him in the stomach. That couldn’t be a good sign. They took the deep breath this time.

    “...I’ve always wanted to travel the world. To see and learn all I possibly can about it. And…” They met his confused stare with a happy smile of an entirely new kind, and took his frigid, slightly shaky hands into theirs. It pulled hard at his heartstrings, if anything ever did. 

    “And I think I’d like to do that with you.”

     Daniel let himself do what he’d been wanting to for months after their moment was over, and he could allow himself to move again. In complete silence, he reached out and just held them to his chest as the sun doused both of them in warmth and golden light, and Jacques could feel his heart pounding. It was the first time he’d shed a single tear in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired its 3 am and im crying over these two send help


End file.
